watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
