cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
