She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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