Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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