So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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