just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
