I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
3 2 1 whiskey
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize