So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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