The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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