i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
