Cold hands, warm shart.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize