Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
