dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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