fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
