I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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