Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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