I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
