I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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