R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Randomize
