I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
