Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
