i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize