Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
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