Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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