ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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