I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
