You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize