If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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