it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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