if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Pants are for mortals
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
