my soul wont recognize me after tonight
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
