I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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