I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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