i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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