I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
