so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
