i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
pop tarts are not kleenex
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
