Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
