Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
