Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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