Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
