I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Randomize
