i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
