a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
