I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
