If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
