I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I wish I only lived at night.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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