We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
