He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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