Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
