And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
