There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
