The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
