my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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