I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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