My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize