Four minutes until I can fart!
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
