Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
